


The Pizza Experiment

by CoreyWW



Category: NEOKOSMOS (Webcomic)
Genre: Alien Biology, Aliens, Ambiguous Relationships, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Romance, Bad Parenting, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Human Experimentation, Humor, Morally Ambiguous Character, POV First Person, Pizza, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 21:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16103981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: (Takes place before the original comic).Zehra has been experimenting making human cuisine and invites Xaveria to her quarters to check it out (with totally no ulterior motives of any kind). This leads to a bold (and unauthorized) experiment where Tye is treated to an Earth food called "pizza."





	The Pizza Experiment

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place before the original comic.
> 
> I might do more of these. I had tons of fun with it :)

**Personal Log by: Dr. Xaveria (ID: 00233124)**

* * *

“So Xaveria, I’ve been researching Earth cuisine lately? Want to hear about it?” Zehra said.

I looked up from my terminal, logging my report on Tye’s recent development. Zehra was leaning (or rather, practically laying) on my desk, staring at me, anxiously waiting for a reply.

I did the sensible thing and stared at her for a moment before glancing at the terminal, allowing my brain computer to compose all the data into a digestible form. All it took was a bit more concentration...

“ _I’m glad you asked_!” Zehra said, raising her head. “I recently found this one dish called pizza--”

I sighed and rubbed my temple. Without even needing to double check the terminal, I knew the report now had the word “pizza” randomly inserted somewhere.

“Question,” I said.

“Yes?” Zehra said smiling.

“Does this have any relevance to our work at all?”

“Well, no--”

“Great. I’m glad that’s settled.” I gave Zehra a brief glance to emphasize my point, then turned back to the terminal.

Zehra sighed, her tongue clicking.

“Xaveria, look at yourself,” she said. “Throwing yourself into your work like this. You need a hobby.”

“Ignoring you is a time consuming hobby as it is.” I tried to keep a straight face, but I felt a shadow of a smile on my face appear. I was ashamed; I was getting _soft_.

Zehra, for once, was less amused.

“I mean, really! You need to put yourself out there! Isolation isn’t good for anyone.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Is that a fact? Well, I suppose this experiment was pointless after all. Who knew I just had to ask you all along.” I pretended to get up. “Shall I let Tye out or should you?”

Zehra shook her head.

“It’s not good for _you,”_ she said. “Look at you. You were supposed to take a break hours ago and you’ve hardly noticed.”

I stopped. I checked the timestamp in my brain computer and, though I wouldn’t admit it, she was right. My mouth twitched.

“... I don’t need a break,” I insisted.

My body seemed to betray me as a rumble escaped my stomach. I blushed as I looked down.

Zehra gave me a smug smile that I couldn’t decide was infuriating or endearing.

“Hungry?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“No.” I fixed my eyes on the terminal. “I’m sure it’s just organ failure or something unimportant like that.”

“I could show you what a pizza looks like~” Her voice took on a sing-song like quality. She did that often when she was trying to be “cute”; it succeeded occasionally.

I looked up at the ceiling and sighing.

“You’re not going to allow me to get anymore work done until I do, are you?” I asked.

“ _Sure won’t_!”

“Lovely.”

* * *

“AHHH, I FORGOT TO CLEAN UP!” Zehra shouted as we teleported in.

I looked around Zehra’s living quarters. She wasn’t much better than Tye about cleanliness. Zehra ran forward, shoving loose articles of clothing and undergarments under her pod bed.

She turned around, putting one hand on the hood of the bed pod and leaning against it. She gave me a nervous smile.

“S-so this is where the magic happens ...” Zehra said.

I stared at Zehra. I had always known Zehra was about as subtle as a notauri, but even for her, this was ... _overt._

“Zehra ...” I said.

“Yes?” Zehra said, a purple flush on her cheeks.

“The uh ...” I coughed. “The pizza?”

“Huh? OH!” Zehra’s hand awkwardly slid off the pod, as if only then remembering why they were there. “Right. Yes. Of course.”

“You alright?”

“Yep! Yes.”  Zehra stepped away, nearly stumbling over. “It’s in the-- it’s over here.”

I scratched the back of my neck, hoping the flush on my cheeks wasn’t as obvious as it felt, burning all the way to the tips of my ear holes..

 _Time to never speak of that again_ , I resolved.

Zehra led me into her kitchen. I was hit by an... unusual smell. It wasn’t unpleasant, not exactly, and my stomach seemed to rumble in response. It had a smell like bio-jerky that had been accidentally roasted, with a hint of some kind of ... spices?

Zehra’s kitchen was unusual for a number of reasons. Namely, it had something other than just a pantry and a table, which is all I had in mine (bio-jerky required no preparation after all). She had several appliances that I only recognized as a stove and a microwave from articles in Tye’s browsing history. They looked refurbished to near perfection, aside from some scuffs.

I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised; after all, Tye’s nutrition was part of her job. It stood to reason she had more equipment to prepare food, even if nutrient blocks were supposedly rather simple.

Zehra, who was standing some ways from me, turned around. Her smile seemed more natural. She seemed to be trying to forget the earlier awkwardness as well.

That was good. I suppose.

“Smells good, doesn’t it?” Zehra said.

“It’s certainly ... something,” I wasn’t sure what else to say. It didn’t smell like anything I had ever eaten or drank before.

Zehra walked over to the pantry and pulled out a glove, which she put on before strolling to the stove.

“I was able to replicate most the ingredients with the data on file,” Zehra said, opening the stove. The smell hit me with more force. “The meat was a bit tricky, but we had DNA for most earth creatures, so I had to tweak the replicator to get it exactly right. But I did it!”

I blinked.

“That’s ... actually impressive,” I said. I didn’t go as far as admitting I had no idea how to make the replicator do what she described. It wasn’t my job to know, but still ...

Zehra turned around and grinned, her cheeks blushing purple once again.

“T-thank you!” Zehra said. She turned back around and pulled something out of the stove with her gloved hand. She brought it over and placed it on the metal table. “Bone-Appleteet!”

I shook my head. “Sorry?”

“Oh it’s uh ... something Earth chefs used to say,” she said, lowering her eyes to the floor. “It means ‘enjoy’ or ... something ...”

I snorted.

“ _Cute_.”

Zehra glanced back up at me, looking rather pleased with herself.

I looked at the ... object Zehra placed on the table. It was a large disc that seemed to be encased in some kind of ... crust? The disc was filled with an almost ridiculous amount of cheese (I only recognized _that_ after research done years ago, when one of the other subjects insisted on naming themselves after it). It shined with some form of grease. It was covered in spices and smaller discs of ... some form of meat. The meat looked like bio-jerky, which by far seemed to be the most edible thing about it.

“Like it?!” Zehra said, clasping her hands together.

This thing, good smell aside, looked absolutely horrifying.

I looked Zehra. Her eyes were huge, looking at me with hope ...

My eyes glanced at the pizza.

“Yyeesssss,” I said slowly. “Of course.”

“YES, I KNEW YOU WOULD!” Zehra closed her eyes and grinned. “Want a slice?”

“I ... suppose I would.”

Zehra almost jumped in excitement as she ran to the pantry, producing a surgical knife. She acted as if I had told her I found the cure for death with how excited she was. I suppose there were less enjoyable things to see before this creation ultimately killed me.

She cut a triangular slice with the knife, the cheese and grease seeming to ooze over it.

Before Zehra handed the slice to me, I closed my eyes and entered a note in my mental computer making it clear that my death was a result of my own stupidity and not a result of Zehra intentionally killing me. Being accused of the murder of a coworker can cause undue stress and could even lead to a blemish on one’s record, so the note might prove useful for Zehra.

“Ready?” Zehra said. I opened my eyes to see her holding the slice by the crust.

“Ready as I’ll ever be ...”

Zehra handed me a slice.

I stared at it.

Then I took a bite.

It ... was not bad. The spices especially tasted good.

I nodded my head.

“This is surprisingly tasty,” I said.

“Right?!” Zehra said. “I’ve made like three of them before now! They’re _soooo_ good.” She chuckled. “I’m glad I got it right this time. Sometimes the grease can cause a reaction.”

“Oh?” I said, taking another bite. “What sort of re--”

I didn’t finish because I felt a rumbling in my stomach that made it clear _exactly_ what type of reaction Zehra talking about.

Zehra’s mouth went wide.

“Uh oh ...” She clasped her hands over her mouth. “ _I’m so sorry_! I thought I got it right ...”

I steadied myself on the table.

“Bathroom ...” I mumbled.

“Sorry?”

“ _Bathroom_!”

“Oh um ... right that way--”

I charged through the house, feeling as if my vision had got tilted and distorted, as I rushed towards sanctuary.

* * *

Sometime later, I came out of the bathroom. Zehra was waiting outside, a noticeable distance from the door. She had trouble looking me in the eye. She held out a can.

“I uh ... I got some air freshener if you--”

Wordlessly I reached out and held the sprayer down, dragging it along the entire door frame, the air around us, the air _not_ around us, everywhere. A moment later I placed the empty can back in her hands.

“Thank you ...” I mumbled.

“Sorry,” Zehra said. “I thought I got it right this time.”

I sighed.

“It’s fine ...” I said. “I suppose that type of food is less compatible with compie physiology than humans.” I sighed. “I’m sure if it were Tye trying that, they would adore it.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re--”

Zehra stopped, her eyes getting a kind of alluring yet foreboding twinkle in them.

“Can we?” she said.

“Huh?”

“Can we have Tye try some?! You’re probably right! I bet they would love it! Can we do it, please?”

My face paled.

“I’m ... not sure that would fit the parameters of the experiment. I’m sure we’d be reprimanded if that were on the report.”

Zehra’s eyes went half-lidded (which elicited a quickening of my heartbeat that was _definitely_ just a coincidence. Probably).

“ _Who said anything about putting it in the report_?” she said in a low voice.

I looked away. This was clearly a bad idea. It would be foolish to simply disregard proper procedure for no other reason than because Zehra asked her, looking so ...

It was out of the question. I just had to open my mouth to say so ...

Zehra looked in my eyes.

I grimaced.

* * *

“Tye, we have a ... different test for you today,” I said after teleporting in.

Tye looked up from their terminal on the floor. I forced my expression to remain neutral.

Without even looking, I could feel Zehra’s eyes on my back, certain she was grinning as wide as possible.

“Huh?” Tye asked.

Zehra stepped forward, holding the large plate with the pizza behind her back.

“That’s right, Tye!” she said, hardly able to contain herself. “It’s a super special surprise just for you. Can you guess what it is?”

Tye’s eyes went wide as they broke into a wide smile. They stood up, knocking their terminal over.

“Is it my friends? DO I FINALLY GET TO MEET MY FRIENDS?”

Zehra’s eyes drifted to the ceiling as her smile remained frozen awkwardly on her face.

“That’s a ... good ... guess,” she said. “Want to make a different one?”

I resisted the urge to facepalm. Instead I narrowed my eyes, hoping if I stared long enough it would communicate my disappointment. Judging by how deliberately Zehra avoided eye contact, I think I did a fairly good job.

Tye blinked, their smile fading.

“I uh ...” They shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Okay ... get ready for ...” Zehra brought the plate in front of her. “Pizza!”

The smell seemed to waft through the air, and made me have to suppress a retch after the prior ... unpleasantness.

Tye, however, stared at the pizza. They stared for a moment, the disappointment evident on their face. They stiffened, their bottom lip slightly quivering.

“... y-yaaaaay, pizza ...” Zehra almost mumbled.

Fearing Tye might actually start crying, I thought it best to try to bring everyone back to reality. I took a step and cleared my throat.

“We thought, considering your physical development, we’d test the effects of traditional earth cuisine on your physiology,” I said. “My recommendation was a bit more ... nutritious, but Zehra was the one who suggested pizza, as it was one of the most popular dishes among many Earth adolescents. They thought it might be a nice ... treat ... for you.”

Zehra twisted around to look at me. I kept a straight face. I thought that was an adequate explanation considering it was a complete lie. In the course of my work, being able to concoct explanations that may not be true but _could_ be true was necessary. I found I did many on a daily basis.

_You and your friends are the only known humans left alive._

_You will see your friends once your development advances far enough._

_Your friends are in distant facilities and one of them is definitely not separated by a single sound-proof wall by your desk._

You know. That sort of thing.

Not that it bothered me.

“Um ... y-yeah,” Zehra said, turning back to Tye. I was grateful Zehra was quick enough to play along. “Y-yeah. I ... thought it would be nice.”

Tye seemed to relax, but only a bit. They folded their arms as their eyes drifted to the floor.

“Oh ...”

“It would also be a valuable experience to share with your friends,” I said.

Tye gave the shadow of a smile. They still seemed disappointed, but it looked like I had avoided an unpleasant outburst. Good.

“I ... I guess that’d be pretty cool,” they said. They looked down at the dish, circular except for the piece I ingested then rapidly _ex-gested_. “It _does_ look kinda good ...”

“Well ... we’ll see ...” I said. It did make sense that their body would be better able to absorb the ingredients, but part of me was still secretly afraid this would end with me scrubbing the floor of Tye’s room. And possibly the ceiling.

“ _Want a slice_?!” Zehra produced the knife from her pocket so fast Tye and _myself_ both flinched.

“Um ... s-sure,” Tye said, taking a step back.

I leaned towards Zehra.

“Maybe you should let me hold that after you’re done,” I whispered.

Zehra giggled, which _absolutely_ wasn’t unsettling coming from her while holding a knife.

“Sorry,” she said as she placed the plate on the desk and started cutting. “This is gonna be such a fun ... test.”

Zehra cut another slice free then handed it to Tye.

“ _Enjoy_!” Zehra said.

Tye grabbed the slice not by the crust, but on both gooey sides, as if holding a nutrient block. Not too surprising, as that was the only thing they’d ever eaten for most of their development. Tye immediately seemed to notice this was wrong, as they pulled their right hand from it, shaking the cheese from their hand as it splattered on the floor.

“Try holding the hard part,” I suggested.

“Oh ...” Tye grasped the crust. The rest of the pizza slumped downward like a skin flap. Tye’s head drooped down, following it. Some of the cheese was starting to slide downward. Tye seemed to think for a minute, then brought the pizza over their head, waiting for the cheese to slide down into their mouth.

“You can bite into it, Tye,” I said.

“Oh, oh! Okay. Sorry, it being a triangle threw me off.”

I nodded as if that made sense.

Tye slowly lowered it into their mouth and took a bite.

I took a step back towards Zehra. If this ended badly, I wanted her in arms length to strangle her. Granted it was my own fault for agreeing to this for ... _reasons_... but that was a minor detail.

Tye chewed the bite. Their eyes went wide as they swallowed. They broke into a huge smile.

“WOW!” they said. “That’s ... that’s really good!”

 _Well, it didn’t seem to poison them, so that was good_ , I thought.

I was however taken aback by how Tye, in seconds, seemed to shove the rest of the slice sans crust in their mouth.

“Tye! Small bites!” I snapped.

“Shm-rry,” they said, their mouth full. They swallowed. “Sorry.” They looked to Zehra. “That was great! That was so much better than the nutrient blocks!”

“Well,” I started, “the nutrient blocks are more deliberately calibrated to provide all necessary vitamins for optimal physical develop--”

Tye ignored me as usual.

“Can I have another?” they said to Zehra.

“Uh ... oh course!” Zehra said. They went back to the desk and began to cut another slice.

“Actually, can I just eat that whole thing?”

My stomach clenched in terror.

“I’m ... not certain that would be--”

But of course, before I could finish, Zehra said, “Of course!”

I glared at Zehra.

Zehra shrugged.

“What? They like it,” Zehra said. Then, a bit louder she said, “Besides, we have to have them finish it to _complete that test_. _Right_?”

My mouth twitched.

_You cannot just use my own lie against me, you little--_

“Of ... course ...” I said through clenched teeth, not remembering the last time I felt both so impressed and infuriated simultaneously.

As Zehra cut the pizza into more slices while Tye almost bounced in excitement. I hadn’t seen them act like that in years.

I sighed.

I supposed there couldn’t be much harm. After all, it made them happy and their body _certainly_ hadn’t reacted the way mine had. What was the worst thing that could happen?

* * *

Thirty minutes later, there was no pizza left and Tye was lying in the floor, groaning.

“ _Doctor, I think I’m dying_ ,” they mumbled.

Zehra looked horrified as Tye’s demeanor had deteriorated within only the past few minutes.

She looked at me, fearful, as if I was about to murder her. I hadn’t _entirely_ ruled out that possibility myself and I’m sure the look on my face conveyed that.

“It’s...” Zehra turned her attention to Tye. “It’s okay, Tye. You just ate a lot of saturated fat. You’re probably not going to die.”

“ _PROBABLY_?!” Tye shouted from the floor.

I used my mental computer to send Zehra a direct message.

< _Oh, great job, Zehra! That contributed a lot!_ >

< ** _It’s fine_** _!_ > she replied. But the look on her face did not match the confidence she was trying to project.

I forced myself not to let my concern show.

“Tye, perhaps you should lie down on your left side,” I said. “I can get some medicine.”

“No! You’ll just poison me more!”

I thought about saying technically _Zehra_ was the one who poisoned them, but I felt that wouldn’t help the situation. I took a breath.

“There’s no reason to get emotional--”

“That--” Tye got up, but winced, clutching their stomach. “No ... I--I need to talk to my friends.”

They dragged themself over to their terminal. I tried not to roll my eyes. If Tye had enough energy to backtalk, they were clearly not dying. It was ... actually somewhat relieving.

“Very well,” I said. “I’m sure this will pass.” I approached to get a better look at them, just to make sure they were alright.

Tye shirked away, clutching their terminal with both hands. I clicked my tongue.

“Fine ...” I said.

Tye started typing at their terminal. Clearly they didn’t want me to see their conversation.

This would have mattered except that, as part of the experiment, I recieved real-time updates on Tye’s chat log at all times on my mental computer, so I could see the entire conversation between Tye and the other subjects:

* * *

TYE: guys help I’m dying!

CHEESE: WHAT

IRIS: What?! Oh my gosh, are you alright?! Are you sick?

TYE: my stomach feels like it’s on fire!

IRIS: What happened?!

TYE: i ate a bunch of pizza and now my stomach is about to blow up.

IRIS: ...pizza?

CHEESE: wait, you get pizza?

CHEESE: HAVE YOU ALWAYS GOTTEN TO EAT PIZZA?

CHEESE: YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT!

CHEESE: YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

IRIS: I always just get those blocks.

TYE: no no, i don’t always get pizza. my doctors brought it today and said it was to test something

IRIS: What were they testing?

CHEESE: i assume how pissed we’d get when we found out we don’t get pizza and tye does

IRIS: Z ...

CHEESE: i’ve wanted to know what pizza tastes like ever since i read that article about that show with the teenage mutant ninja turtles!

IRIS: Oh ... that show sounds interesting! What article was that called?

CHEESE: the ... teenage mutant ninja turtles?

IRIS: That’s literally the name of the show?

TYE: I AM ABOUT TO DIE!

IRIS: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, Tye! I tend look up things when I’m nervous! I’m sorry! Please don’t be upset!

IRIS: Hang on, let me see if there’s anything useful in the article on stomach aches.

IRIS: Please be okay while I check D:

TYE: Thanks :)

CHEESE: okay tye

CHEESE: i’m gonna be for real with you

TYE: yeah?

CHEESE: are you sure you don’t just have to shit?

TYE: um ...

TYE: maybe? but this feels worse than that.

CHEESE: so it’s going to be a bad shit.

 

[At this point, Tye opened a private message to Cheese/Z out of the group chat.]

 

TYE: hey, can you maybe not like talk about my poop in front of iris? like ... it’s a little embarrassing.

CHEESE: ah. okay, no problem. I got you.

TYE: thanks buddy :)

CHEESE: no problem

 

[Back in the main chat:]

 

IRIS: Okay, I have some stuff you can try, Tye!

CHEESE: glad you’re back. tye was just saying they’re about to shit all over themself.

TYE: Z!

CHEESE: we are now officially even about the pizza.

TYE: AAAAAAAAH!

IRIS: Okay Tye, have you tried lying on your left side? It can relieve some gas pressure.

TYE: that’s a great idea! thanks iris! :D

* * *

I ignored the remainder of the chat, annoyed that Tye accepted the exact same advice I offered the second it came from someone else.

Tye got up from the floor, walked wordlessly over to the bed, then laid down on their left side.

I gave a bemused smile.

“I’m pleased you decided to take my advice, Tye,” I said.

Tye grumbled something under their breath. I sighed. _Kids_.

* * *

“Okay, so I know that didn’t turn out _great_...” Zehra said, leaning on the side of my desk.

I ignored her, putting notes from my mental computer into the terminal in my office (as well as “accidentally” corrupting data regarding everything that had happened today in Tye’s room. I just hoped in vain that Axavi and Qurti hadn’t been paying much attention to the chat log before I did that). I hadn’t said two words to Zehra since the incident.

“They didn’t die! That was good!” Zehra said with a nervous laugh.

“That’s quite a low bar we’re setting,” I said, “if having not murdered our subject is considered a success.”

Zehra lowered her head.

“I just thought it might be fun ...” she mumbled.

I slammed my hands on the desk (harder than I meant to) and shot her a dirty look.

“Our job is not about _fun_!” I shouted. “It’s about the integrity of the experiment! I can’t believe I let you talk me into--” I grunted. “It’s fortunate Tye was alright! That could have gone so much worse! And then what would we have done, huh?!”

Zehra shirked away, her eyes now glued to the floor. She trembled.

“I ... I just wanted us to have fun together ...” she said.

I grimaced. _Oh great_ , I thought. I sighed, trying to choose my words more carefully.

“Zehra,” I said.

Zehra didn’t reply.

“I ... know you didn’t mean for anything bad to happen,” I said. “And ... aside from Tye’s stomach ache, there were parts about this day that were certainly _amusing_.”

Zehra slowly raised her head.

“You’re not just saying that?” Zehra said.

“Zehra, you should know me well enough to know I’m not considerate in the slightest. I wouldn’t have said that if it wasn’t true.”

Zehra blinked. I swear I thought I saw the faintest hint of moisture in her eye. She tilted her chin down.

“I don’t suppose,” she said slowly, “maybe you’d like to come over my quarters again sometimes?”

I felt my cheeks get hot. I opened my mouth to reply, but didn’t get the chance as the door of my office wooshed open.

Dr. Qurti strolled in, looking rather pleased with herself.

Zehra jerked upwards from my desk. I cleared my throat.

“Sorry, was I uh ... _interrupting_ anything?”

Zehra and I spoke at the same time.

“Yes.” “No.”

We looked at eachother. I coughed again.

Dr. Qurti grinned that grin of hers.

“Alright then ...” she said. “Well anyway, I wanted to ask you two something.”

“Yes?”

“You wouldn’t happen to know why Iris has been asking if she can have pizza all day, would you?” Qurti said, in an amused tone indicating she had seen the updates in real time and knew exactly why.

I blinked.

“No idea,” I said.

“Hm ...” Qurti pouted her lip and nodded. She walked over and dragged a finger playfully along my desk (for some reason, Zehra’s expression seemed to sour at that). “Cause I was going to ask if, perhaps, you knew someone who might be able to ... _acquire_ some.”

I glanced at Zehra, then at Qurti, who beamed at me.

I sighed and covered my face with my hand.


End file.
